Takeout/Workout

Reviewed: Hip Hop Abs & A Smörgåsbord From Ikea

One night, two friends wanted to eat weird Ikea food, but they also wanted to check out an exercise video that one of them just bought on the internet. They suddenly realized that they didn’t have to choose. It was possible to eat Knäckebroöd and watch people work on their core, AT THE SAME TIME. Not only could they finish dinner, but not doing the exercises also allowed them to take in the mise en scene, and experience the motivational dialogue. It worked so well, they decided to make a tumblr out of it.

Hip Hop Abs
Vintage: 2007
Host: Shaun T
Length of Workout: 2 hours
How Long We Managed to Watch: 64 minutes
Target Area: Abs!
Kind of Music: Hip Hop! And a lot of talk-rapping instructions.
Midriff Quotient: 86%
Special Features: Option for “Even Louder Music,” a meet the cast special, and a “Take it to the Dance Floor” bonus round to take the ab fab moves to the dance floor.
Favorite DVD Cover Typo: “Take It to the Dence Floor”
How long it took Jen to snort: 34 minutes
How long it took Kira to fall in love with Shaun T: 36 minutes

Ikea Smörgåsbord Menu

Appetizer
Pastej Krabba/Ikea Crab Paste: $2.59
Knäckebroöd Flerkorn/Ikea Cripsbread Multigrain: $2.99
Prastocheese/Ikea Cheese: $4.50

Entrée
Pizzabitar/Ikea Vegetarian Pizza: $5.29
Grönsakskaka/Ikea Broccoli Potato Medallions: $5.29

Desert
Tarta Mandel/Ikea Almond Cake: $4.99

Best Name for a Move
Jen: Oblique Summer, hands down. I can’t remember what the move was since I was in a hurry to write down the name.
Kira: The Frat Step, I like that it exists.

Favorite Back Up Dancer
Kira: I’m going to go with the guy from Pennsylvania. He won my heart over the guy from Miami.
Jen: Obviously, the guy from Pennsylvania. He wore a baggy muscle T, he had bleached tips and he was very excited about being from Pennsylvania. 

Best Accessory
Kira: Belly button ring, because it really put the emphasis on the abs that we’re talking about.
Jen: I really liked the girl from San Francisco’s combination of the velour sports bra and the tramp stamp. She seemed like she put some thought into her outfit, and she didn’t cover up her tramp stamp—she owned it.

Easiest Looking Move that We Didn’t Try
Kira: I would say marching in place, but I feel like that will be in every exercise video.
Jen: I think the move where you march in place and holding your hands up to the side. I believe that was called “Hands Up.”

Hardest Looking Move that We Didn’t Try
Kira: The girl from New Orleans did a pushup with her leg over her arm. That wasn’t technically in the workout, only in the Meet the Cast bonus, but it looked really hard.
Jen: I don’t know, there was this one move where they had to jump from side to side a bunch. That seemed exhausting.

Best Motivational Phrase
Kira: Here are some things Shaun T said that I loved:

• Heeyyyyyy, heyyyyyy.
• You may be down on the ground, but my energy is way up here. Heyyyyyyy.
• I’m just pulsing through!
• Oh my goodness, you were so amazing today!
• It’s HipHop Abs, y’all.
• I don’t do nothing but fun.

Jen: For me, it’s a tie between:

• Do you feel me? Do you want me?
• Shaun T is here with you, y’all.

Additional Notes
Kira: Why are they sweating so much?? Is it that strenuous?
Jen: Why do they need gloves?
Kira: Meet the cast is a nice touch!
Jen: He’s rocking out even in the cool down!
Jen: He has not stopped talk-rapping! Not once!
Kira: Is it weird that there are commercials in the video? Are they all like this? I guess we’ll find out. Yoga Booty Ballet!!!
Jen: I feel like we made a crucial mistake not choosing the option for Even Louder Music. 

Crab Paste
Kira: I actually think that was my favorite thing. It was salty and dill-y.
Jen: Yeah, I wouldn’t have thought that this would be the front runner when we started the meal. But it… tasted like food? Though, I brought it into work and no one would touch it.

Crispbread
Kira: You could put all sorts of shit on this and it would be fine. It’s pretty versatile.
Jen: It’s as versatile as cardboard.

Cheese
Kira: Unremarkable either way. It’s totally cheese.
Jen: It’s passable as cheese, in the way that Velveeta is passable as cheese. It would never be my night cheese, and it would never make a good queso.

Pizza
Kira: NOT GOOD. Blandest pizza in the land.
Jen: In possibly the grossest foodie move, I put the crab paste on the pizza to make it taste like something.

Broccoli Potato Medallion
Kira: I don’t know on what occasion I would ever eat them again, but I’ll take them home and eat them when there’s nothing else to eat in the house. I wanted to put hot sauce on them, and luckily I had some in my purse. So I did.
Jen: They were fine. I’d like to put a whole bunch of cheese on them, particularly not the Ikea cheese. 

Almond Cake
Kira: Not good. I liked it less than the pizza, because I couldn’t cover it with hot sauce.
Jen: It was a totally unremarkable moment in cake.